tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.comments2015-03-02T11:47:59.031-07:00Cluttered ShelvingAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18410973862317518265noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-2036526804793220472015-03-02T11:47:59.031-07:002015-03-02T11:47:59.031-07:00Now i want to read more.Now i want to read more.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04428050321121163269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-11984253988722661372013-07-26T10:29:26.569-06:002013-07-26T10:29:26.569-06:00Interesting. I like the way you captured the expec...Interesting. I like the way you captured the expectations surrounding funerals. People expect things from the mourners, going to the wake, reminiscing, but the mourners have expectations too, rain and cold... everything funerals are in the movies. J. A. Platthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03579737369756389484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-81845326022241428102012-08-31T14:37:14.932-06:002012-08-31T14:37:14.932-06:00I like the relationship you are continuing to buil...I like the relationship you are continuing to build. It feels very natural.<br /><br />Also, the comments about the statue, interspersed the way they are also felt very natural, details emerging as they were seen for the first time (by us).<br /><br />The only issue I had was the distance at the beginning. You made it feel rather expansive initially, looking across the fields and all but that was lost as they traveled.Jonathan Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14841202262555830312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-26061110061752560532012-08-29T10:35:16.806-06:002012-08-29T10:35:16.806-06:00Don't know if it was just my mood or not, but ...Don't know if it was just my mood or not, but I got a little lost in the beginning with the transitioning.<br /><br />Otherwise, a very good entry into the story. phoenixkiss29@gmail.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08635376304226520179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-79407638846666756822012-08-13T12:09:29.225-06:002012-08-13T12:09:29.225-06:00I can't wait to see the family interactions wh...I can't wait to see the family interactions when she accepts the job! This is going to be great.phoenixkiss29@gmail.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08635376304226520179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-64123667088761458202012-08-13T11:43:52.601-06:002012-08-13T11:43:52.601-06:00I have to agree with the contrast between the laws...I have to agree with the contrast between the laws. It's the little details like that that are making this story so good.<br /><br />Also, I kind of got the impression that the beliefs of her people were in here no matter how hard she tried not to like them. And she seems to feel wrong when they do slip out.phoenixkiss29@gmail.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08635376304226520179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-6863723098920926632012-08-13T11:21:07.463-06:002012-08-13T11:21:07.463-06:00As before, I'm loving the interactions between...As before, I'm loving the interactions between her and Lison. There are just so many ways this relationship can go from there. <br /><br />I'm also interested in the relationship between Deem and Parien. It seems kind of on edge.phoenixkiss29@gmail.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08635376304226520179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-79093329744633028252012-08-11T11:39:05.655-06:002012-08-11T11:39:05.655-06:00I suddenly have the urge to ride a horse for the f...I suddenly have the urge to ride a horse for the first time. The detail in the feelings is just right. No too much and not too little. And I do so love the budding relationship.phoenixkiss29@gmail.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08635376304226520179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-25363679909711764952012-08-11T11:15:49.729-06:002012-08-11T11:15:49.729-06:00I absolutely love the interaction between Emma and...I absolutely love the interaction between Emma and Lison. <br /><br />Like Jonathan said, "You are dong a good job weaving in the background of the Dwin without beating us over the head with it."<br /><br />*takes notes in order to make his writing better*phoenixkiss29@gmail.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08635376304226520179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-57604167033257547162012-08-09T13:00:00.225-06:002012-08-09T13:00:00.225-06:00Another good chapter! I'm really curious wher...Another good chapter! I'm really curious where this story is going, because I can't believe she is just going to become a Patron and that's it. This all feels like setup to get her out of the valley (not in a bad way, it just leaves so much open space...)Jonathan Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14841202262555830312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-52114613560721068462012-08-09T07:25:58.960-06:002012-08-09T07:25:58.960-06:00I was aiming for the idea that some of the parts o...I was aiming for the idea that some of the parts of dwin/dwarven culture have been so ingrained in her that she can't help her reaction.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18410973862317518265noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-72630033122144186282012-08-07T14:37:37.356-06:002012-08-07T14:37:37.356-06:00interesting. I like the contrast you provide betw...interesting. I like the contrast you provide between the ideals/laws of the humans and the dwarfs/dwin. it flows within the story smoothly.<br /><br />My question is, with her kind of 'anti-dwarf' stance, would she really find the cutting off of a hand that bad, or is this an ingrained point in her mind...Jonathan Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14841202262555830312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-38487214779579303432012-07-31T09:07:18.263-06:002012-07-31T09:07:18.263-06:00Great chapter. The innocent flirting on the part ...Great chapter. The innocent flirting on the part of Lison worked very well.<br /><br />You are laying out this escape for Emma very well, and I find myself hoping she takes it, but the question, as it always is, what awaits her beyond her normal boundaries.Jonathan Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14841202262555830312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-92075346602984155422012-07-18T17:52:18.601-06:002012-07-18T17:52:18.601-06:00I like the exhilarating way you describe the ride!...I like the exhilarating way you describe the ride! This would make a fine description for anyone who hasn't ridden a horse but wants to know what it's like. I don't know if you ride, but the attention here to detail is excellent. The fact that it takes place at night, my personal favorite time of all, made it all the better.<br /><br />I get the feeling Emma and Lison are going to be kind of a thing. Is this the case? I hope so! it seems Emma feels free out there, contrasted with her home which seems as if it must have stifled her. The way you described the paintings on the walls as mocking her, versus her current, very un-dwin-like horsemanship, really works. You got a magic pen, girl.alphabetehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17305229870777987796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-89369167975566071752012-07-12T09:42:04.317-06:002012-07-12T09:42:04.317-06:00I'm (hopefully) building to what will be a ver...I'm (hopefully) building to what will be a very complex relationship between these two character that will go through many stages. This is also meant to be the moment of exhilaration that will propel Emma into the choice she will be presented with in the next installment.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18410973862317518265noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-37159944795447601402012-07-12T08:55:28.627-06:002012-07-12T08:55:28.627-06:00Another fun chapter, hinting at maybe a relationsh...Another fun chapter, hinting at maybe a relationship? I am not really certain where this story is going at this point, but this whole part felt like a whimsical distraction. Not in a bad way, but unless you are forming a relationship, I'm not certain how much this chapter advances (whatever) storyline you are working towards. Don't get me wrong, it is a fun and well written chapter, and it could all come out in the wash, I my just need to read more...Jonathan Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14841202262555830312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-48575492428377624372012-07-12T08:35:07.326-06:002012-07-12T08:35:07.326-06:00Another fun chapter. You are dong a good job weav...Another fun chapter. You are dong a good job weaving in the background of the Dwin without beating us over the head with it.<br /><br />Two things I noticed, the part about the Dwin's eyes felt a little clunky. Not sure how I'd clean it up though.<br /><br />The other thing was Rilen seemed to come out of now where in this part. I realize that it is a continuity issue between last part and this one, so read altogether it might not make a difference. Otherwise, it might be nice to add a mention of her standing back or off to the side earlier in the part.Jonathan Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14841202262555830312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-545007422510315820.post-5043160354728077302012-07-10T06:12:31.093-06:002012-07-10T06:12:31.093-06:00Well hello there and I obviously need to catch up ...Well hello there and I obviously need to catch up on the first chapter. This is so elegant, and I just really like it. You have a wonderful voice, and the banter between Emma and Lison feels natural and exciting.<br /><br />I'm not a huge fan of this type of fantasy, but it's largely because of the kind of language that's used. Your words are light and lyrical, and you weave a good milieu. I love this.<br /><br />I noticed a few technical things:<br />- The plural seems to switch. Sometimes "dwin" and sometimes it's "dwins."<br /><br />- "She studied his face, trying to see if he resembled the handful of human’s she’d met." Got an apostrophe in the wild here<br /><br />- When Emma grabs Juniper's "main" I think you meant "mane."<br /><br />Those are minor blips in an otherwise pretty great episode in Emma's story. Cheers!alphabetehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17305229870777987796noreply@blogger.com